This is a loooong email. Actually, it’s two.It covers feelings, cd’s etc…. Lots ofÂ emotional stuff….. Readers beware! This is uncensored!
From: Gary Ploski Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 2/1/98 9:51
Subject: [Fwd: I feel it.]
To: April Harvey
Take a read of the next email… I’m feelin better! Wahhooo!!! Just took a little self disciplining! That’s what it comes down to I guess – self control. DAMN MY fingers are cold! WWOOOOW— yipppppps! I think I’m gonna get that last roll of film developed today. I’ll have to get tttrrriiipppllleeesss so Kaz can get copies etc…. OHH! i have to pay him for our doubles.. 3000yen, that looks like so much. 3 thousand yen! damn! thousand- they’re crazy over there! then again — ever been to Italy .. sure “200000000000lire for a cookie” says the baker in reply the customer says “that’s it! wow that’s cheap!” thanks hun. I needed to be helped through this thing. sorry if i put you on the defensive – BUT DAMNNIT READ MY EMAILS!! hehehe. if you want to of course (said with a cute litte s’mile and my eyes batting as my head is tilted in a slight angle)Â Â : )
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â THANK YOU. ILU and yes i love you and yes I LOVE YOU and yes I LUV U and yes……..Â Â Â IMU ciao cito babe. VI IV alll the way to the … to the…. ahh yes! to the chinese dilivery menu! oh there it is.. i was sitting on it. last thing I ordered pizza last night. Next time i say Half to(toe-pronounced=and) half. chizu(cheese) to hamu(ham) kudasai. I asked for cheese! and I got a cheese to cheese (which i though was just cheese but found out it had tomatoes, onions(YUCKYYYY), four different cheeses… i didn’t want that! yuck! 2612yen!!! bummer! “you live, you learn” alanis m. ciao cito babe.
From: Gary Ploski Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 2/1/98 0:53
Subject: I feel it.
To: April Harvey
It’s tearing at my insides. It’s ripping out everything I am. It’s making me something I don’t want to be. Wait, not something, someway.I’m feeling someway that I don’t want to feel. This feeling… is the same type of feeling you felt when everyone left CT (i think). Like whenwe were discussing the life lines to other people, yours were stretched out over great distances – barely working compared to the normal ways.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I feel that now. I feel like I felt when I went home after I got that speeding ticket (95mph). I went home and hide in my room, hidding myemotions from my mother, hiding my pain from the world. I was DAMN GOOD! It’s what I’m doing now. I feel it, I feel the mask goon and come off. I feel it – physically!! It’s as if there was a real mask being put on and taken off! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN!
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â You said you didn’t like the way I was right now — NOR DO I! I HATETHIS FEELING! I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD! It won’t go away! If I’m buy doing something, my mind reachesÂ out for a piece of something within me that will make me feel like crap! I hide it in class. It’ll be dispelled for a few minutes, but my brain says ‘no no no gar, try this BAM! how’s that’ uhhÂ -Â is the reaction.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â “Life if 99.9 percent of what you make of it. So if your life sucks, you suck.” Suicidal TendenciesÂ Â Â I know this is true and I firmly believe in that, I just can’t get myself to do anything about it now! What is happening to me? I don’t understand… “I want my mommy” Had to say it… : )
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Babe I’m sorry this is happening now. Of all times to happen – you just left and I’ve decided to go home, etc.. etc.. I’m not meant to be away from friends and family etc… At least that’s my personal belief. I’ve figured that out by being here. Family, friends, acquaintances, etc. are where your(everyone) supposed to be. FRIENDS FRIENDS etc…. I wish that knot in my throat would go away – it’s really annoying.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â UHH!!! why am I feeling this way? what have I been doing differently?anything? nothing? is that my problem? I’m doing the same stuff, nothing new? is that it? no – im doing different things… I’m trying different things, I’m making placs to go places. WHat is wrong with me?! ahhh I need a … i need a … break… Gimme a break. Gimme a break. Break meoff a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Gimme a break. Gimme a break. Break me off a piece of that — Kit — Kat Bar.Â That dark … ok enough of that. it was fun to type thought.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I’ve got to get through this as best I can and try to remain focused.I’ve got to maintain my personal beliefs. I’ve got to… think of something better to type than all this negative stuff.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Have I told you about the DEEP FOREST III cd? it’s awesome.Â It’s reallly good. I wonder if radio stations would play it in the states.One track is radio-able, i think. THere is one track that is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL! track 13. OHH my! A man and a woman work perfectly togetheron this track… I’ve got to hear it now…. playing. it’s so melodic… perfect “holding April in my arms music”! It really is beautiful, justlike you. They actuall speak/sing some English on this album. He sings something like “…spend my life with you.”Â I know what he’s feeling. I like that. It’s a great CD.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â That thorn in my side, you – as you put it. It the thorn in my side I’mnot pulling out. Physical pain, mental pain – if I dare call it pain when it refers to you – is nothing but my thoughts of you. I would notcall those things thorns nor would I consider you the thorn. You are the beautiful rose opening to as it greets the light in the morning. You arethe rose as it pulls together to keep itself strong and its pedals warm (im one of those pedals). You may have thorns, as we all do, but your’thorn’ is not what is causeing my dismay. My dismay is caused by one, and only one person – me.
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I’m the reason for all this anguish. I’m the reason for all this strife. I’m the one who need to remember what it is I’m here for. Toteach, rather, learn about different ways of living. That’s why I came here – to learn about the people, the culture, etc… I’ve got to feel’a part’ of that again. I make some people laugh with my questions. I’ve got lots of em… “Do Japanese School’s have spelling contests in Japanese? If so, how is it done?” In English you can say the letters the word is made up of, in Japanese it’s made up of sounds, like ka. This isa question I asked at the JPNese language school and had the two people speaking to me in stitches – I WANNA KNOW!
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Anyway, I feel a little better now. I’m happy and sad that we’ll beable to chat in your mornin. I wish it was for a little longer that’s all…. I JUST saw a bug fly by the computer?! Where’d that come from?it’s winter! huh?? STRANGELY WEIRD! Thanks for the words of confidence babe. I hope you had a great crazy day. ciao cito and XXXXX*4 that’sright, it’s back — there it goes again ,, zzzzzzzzmmmmm right by. weird! TOU as I dream! ILULOTSSSANDLOTSSS!!! ciao till 0-900. : )