Sometimes it’s easy, other times… I’d say are nearly impossible, hence the typing of my thoughts. I can’t focus. I just read two comics (G.I. Joe 25 & 26) which were pretty darn cool. I’d have liked 25’s story to have carried through 25 & 26 instead of a quick wrap up in 25, but at least it was a good read. I, sadly, just wasn’t into it while I read. = Damnnit.
Up and Down. Up and Down. Up and Down. That’s the way the day goes Up and Down. Interestingly the down only seems to hit me after 10ish in the evenin’. How do I make myself not think when I’m reading or relaxing? OH! I think I know… I… CAN’T! Well that was simple, next thought…
About 10 minutes have passed. Now where’d that thought go to exactly? Damnnit get back here
I think I’ll try the blunt approach… Recently many things profound have happened in my life. Some were brewing while other events happened almost as quickly as a bullet through a window. Without giving details, as that would just be flat out WRONG of me to do within such a medium as this, I can say I’ve never been through something so BIG mentally in my life when it comes to relationships.
Thinking about the event wasn’t something I looked forward too as I found out just before I was leaving for London. While in London I only allowed myself at most an hour or two to think… at night… before I went to bed. I had to learn as much as I could while I was there. At least that’s what I’d hoped to do while I was there.
About three days after I got back from London my brain decided to play catch up regarding this issue. So while I vacuumed my brain chugged along quickly! Remember that bullet, yea so do I. BAM! My head felt it so fast that I barely was able to understand what was happening. Did I have an answer about my feelings? Did my brain juices suddenly realize what it was that I needed to do? Amazingly the answer was a resounding: No.
All I figured out that day just added to my confusion. At least I’d finally though about it though. Answers were far from clear, but at least I had an emotion to place on it. Now, sadly, I have no way of wording the emotion. All I know is I FELT something and it jarred something lose within me. It wasn’t a happy feeling, this much I remember. If I had to describe it I’d say it felt like a blow to the gut. Pain. Fear. They filled me and stopped me from doing anything else. Eventually it all subsided but I knew that I needed to talk to someone about how I felt which I did later that night.
A week passed and a couple very intense phone calls took place. My life had changed quite abruptly to my surprise. I broke in a way I didn’t expect. It hurt. I cried and I cried some more. Happily or sadly, I’m not sure which, I wasn’t alone. I’ll need to elaborate more later as it’s much too late to continue. Oyasumi.
01-30-2004 03:34 am