January 1998 – email2

April had just left….and well, it was quite the emotional thing….. Readers beware! This is uncensored!

From: Gary Ploski 1/16/98 19:41
Subject: {191-727}-don’t ask yet) Well,
To: April Harvey

        I walked into the apartment and fell. Thats right… I fell. I dropped everything I had in my hands and just collapsed to the ground — crying. It began long before I got to the apartment…(and is still  … breathing… comin down.) Hun I know it’ll get better, BUT I hurt sooo bad. Im allllll alone again. I don’t like this. I thought an angry song might help me, “beautiful people”, but its not doin crap! Damnnit, I went out and spent 9260 yen on two books. I dont care. I feel apathy, angst, cynicism, anger, spite, and most of all — loss.

        Before you came here to see me I hadn’t realized how much I really cared for you. Honestly. Distance wizened me up. I LOVE YOU! I have no problem saying it, typing it, etc. Y? Because I know without a doubt that I do! I know for sure WE are meant to be together. With all that said — I’m hurtin here. I want my other part to feel whole again. I have an emptiness loomin’ around in my gut. My neck had that knot thing in it as I walked by SUNEVERY. That go it started here in Asaka. It hurt, but as I’m finding out — it was just the beginning.

        I’m putting off cleaning – Y? The apartment already looks bare, and lifeless compared to the past few weeks. Why would I walk to make it look any…. Just looked up and saw the rose I gave you..Give me a sec…..DAMNITT!!!  DAMMNNNIIITTT DAMMNNNIIITTT!! I DONT LIKE THIS. HUN IT HURTS. I CANT MAKE it stop. I want it to, but it wont. trying, im trying. trying to disorient myself so I can accomplish something. SHIT, Im losin that thought, damn — here it comes. aaaaaaaaaaaah… *suckk in * *bloooooow out* over and over. huuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh   eeeeeehhhhhhh hhhuuuuuuuuuuhhh  eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh huuuuuuuuuuh. — so goes the breathing.

        Its a little chilly here in the kitchen. Im wearing shorts and the red and black thing I had on earlier. Yes shorts. I need to subject myself to something that I have no control over so I can try to get control. My head is starting to ache. I better eat and take some ibuprofen….. The flower smells nice. I can actually smell something. I like that. I think I see something near the sink…. is it?  …..it is… sorry.. one sec.. i need to slap myself thats it… dam nit gary get ahold of yourself. Im trying… ok. i got a slight hold. You left the perfume. I dont know if it was an accident or not, but thank you. I just smelt it and thats what brought about the episode.

        need food. something to eat. Body hurts for a few reasons and thats one.. wow I just saved this as a draft and its already 3kb long. Thats long — I haven’t even typed in what I wrote on the SKYLINER. Going to eat now…back a bit early. I could smell you in the tatami room. Ohh hun, I like the fact that I could smell you. Actually – I Love the fact that I can still smell you, I just wish – well I dont need to say it but I will – I wish I could hold you. I watched you walk from the escalator hun. I hoped that you would turn around, but you didn’t know I was there and probably didn’t know I could see you.

        But I could, and I, well, I enjoyed the fact that I could see you. I just love holding you. I love you sleeping on me. I love, love love love, just holding you and feeling the warmth/cold from your body. Hint hint wink wink — say NOSE more. hehehe. I feel a bit better. i really think I should get something to eat. Let me try again…. Up to 4kb. Not to bad huh… Im trying to figure out what to eat and Im pulling an April trying to pack. I cant decide what to eat, I cant decide if I want to put on some more clothing,  am just pacing back and forth trying to figure out what to do. I miss you already– yeah as if I didnt miss you as you were going down the escalator.  : )

        I just saw the weather for the east coast of the states. WOW! Crazy mad weather. Food – get food gar. ok im trying this time. Ok I just ate some food and took some stuff for my head. I feel better. I can breath easily. My head only hurts a little. My feet are the only part of my body that are chilly. The only thing that truly isn’t what it should be is — my heart. Im going to try to type (I wrote it on the train) what I wrote a little while ago.

*********ON THE SKYLINER

        I left something behind when you left. It was a part of me, a part of my being. It was the part of me that made me whole. I am now riding the train for the first time – in complete loneliness, with a feeling of emptiness. It hurts a lot! I don’t like it. The time is 2:10pm Tokyo time — it hurts. You haven’t left yet, but I’m not able to see you. That ANGERS me! Narita Airport has cheated me, you — US!!! I’ve dried so many tears already and they’re still comin’. I’m hurtin’ bad.

        I actually said it while I was waiting for this train — “I wanna go home.” I don’t know what to do… I don’t know where to go. Home? Shop? Kazi’s? Nowhere? I just don’t know. How ’bout that — my nose is stuffy again… ha … ha. I made a funny. yeah right…sure i did. I’ve never felt this way before. Ok, ok, about 6 months ago :\

        I can see now, I like that. My nose is still stuffy though. Yeah. O-yeah, my stomach – well it’s kinda knotted and loose at the same time. Drip, drip, drip, sniffl, sniffl (look at that rice fields — uuhhh) breath Gar, breath — better. Breathing break …… 15 minutes to go … blurry again. Sore wa kirai yo (I don’t like this!) It gets easier, I know, but damn it SUCKS now. I wonder what your doing right now. I wonder….. 10 minutes to go. I need to breath some………..

        Ok 1 minute to go. I just relaxed a little. I feel better, but I just noticed that I’m clenching my teeth — that, is bad. Within moments, I will, yup that’s right… BOMB!!!! eye luv u.  Kio tsukete. Take care of yourself. (i believe those two JPNese things to be correct, it’s not reallly that important to me right now, the jpnese that is.)

        THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!!!! I’ll say it, I’ll mean it, but I know I can’t have it, “I wish I could have gone back with you!” But I can’t go back on my word, or my contract.  I’ll write more — but that’ll be in a sec for you. I don’t know how long for me. ILU ciao 4 now.

*********OFF THE SKYLINER

        Nipori – that’s where I got off the SKYLINER. Upon stepping off of the train, I felt — a lack of feeling. Ironic huh, i felt a lack of feeling.  (News just announced that its now 128.90 yen to $1, some good news.yeah.) That began my lack of care for being in JPN. I really didn’t care to be there. I didn’t feel “HOME”. I felt like I was a foreigner walking around with bright clothes, yelling “HEY LOOK OVER HERE!! IT’S A FOREIGNER!!!!! YO!!!” I got annoyed. I wanted to look at the ppl with a strange face saying something like “Uggaa Buggaa!!” Thought that might have thrown them off a bit.  (((Japan is choosing the location to change it’s capital by fall of next year. Three areas are under consideration. How about that. 12 trillion yen, 4 trillion from tax payers money, to build the new capital. How about that. interesting news.)))   We’ve reached the 7kb mark. Babe.

        I think you are incredible. You have a way of making me light up. You have a way of calming me down. We work so well together. I love that, it’s just incredible. How does it happen that people, at our age, are lucky enough to find each other? Luck enough to be happy together.(despite the fact that we will be apart for another 6 months. That’s changing though. Permanently. I look forward to that. 8kb – damn!

        Baby baby. I’m tryin to figure out what I want to do tonight. I have a pain every now and then in my stomach. It hurts like something is being pulled out or moved around within my gut. Sounds bad, and yes thats how it feels. It’s now 19:23??!!! Thats IT!!?!? What the fuck!? It supposed to be later than that. It’s just, cause, it’s …supposed to… just because. Ahhh Why sooooooo slow? I’ve called Kaz and I havnt heard from him yet. I thought that the time had gone by quicker and he was sleeping. BUT it would appear that my conclusion was completely wrong. O-well. It’ll go by quicker if I sleep some, but when do I go to sleep? I’ll have to figure that one out later.

        The books I bought, curious? Well one is a magazine, the other “RENT” by Jonathan Larson. Its the book I told you about before. It cost 7200 yen (only $38 in the states) But I DIDN’T/DON’T care. I wanted it, I needed to do something other than come back here. I needed to be away from the apartment for a little while. It worked to a point, but I still got hit when I walked in the door. With that I return to the beginning of this email. Hun you know I love you and within this email you’ve read that quite a few times. There’s no worry deep within my brain, heart, mouth, etc… with those words. I’ll say it and I’ll say it proud.

        I haven’t listened to that much in jpnese nor do I plan on doing that for the next few days. I just don’t want to. The stuff I hear I understand a little, but I don’t want to deal with it for a while. I need to reorganize myself anf that is what I’m gonna do. “I dont care” I’ve been thinking it and I know I mean it know, but that’ll change in a little bit of time. I just need some time. It seems that I’ve got way toooooo much time on my hand. It’s only 19:35. I typed quite a bit in that time didn’t I? Got me babe. I think that the time is actually slowed and I’m stuck in a loop where I’m going faster than the time. 10kb quite an email. Sounds good, to me. TOU, IMU, HEY, 64, C.C., ILU. ciao cito

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