Well the reading is fini and I am happy to say that I’m very glad I was able to take part. Knowing that we were performing for children added to the happiness and fortunate. Any chance I have to perform a show, a reading, etc for children I almost feel obligated. It’s as though I’m drawn to it. I get a rush working with the kids. I don’t know why, but I really, honestly, enjoy it so much.
It’s such a strangely wonderful confusing feeling. To adore children yet know that I’m just not ready yet. It does get me to wonder many things about myself though. Fun thoughts, but also scary thoughts.
On another thought… I’ve had a very strange experience these few days since my last post on the 23rd. Being single is fun, exciting, and confusing, Let’s not forget that being single is sad, depressing, and confusing. Well looky there, it’s confusing either way. = P
It’s not even the quiet times that I find myself in confused mode. During the reading I found myself thinking how much Kit (the lead female) reminds me of someone. It helped me and hurt at the same time. Acting, taking the inner pains/joys and showing it to the world. Exhibitionism at its best! = P
Strangely enough I feel as though I’ve actually been given, received?, more attention from various XX’s compared to my pre-single status. Questions swirl… Am I flirting with them? Wait, are they flirting with me? What the… did you say that (nothing specific) for a reason? Did you always talk to me like this? Um… Are you touching my arm… You are, why are you doing that?
This should be okay shouldn’t it be? I mean, er, well, shouldn’t it? I’ve said to myself and to many others that I know I’d be a mess emotionally for a while. None of this has changed, I know, but I have to figure out some more things still before anything really makes sense to me. This is going to be a long road for me, and quite possibly a painful road. Or… Well, I don’t know what else it will be, but it’s going to take some time.
While speaking with Emma last night, I told her how I’ve been feeling about my situation and she elaborated on hers. It’s amazing how different our roads look like. She is cruising along with lots of traffic and a partly cloudy sky with some sun showers while I’m sitting in my car waiting for the storm to clear up while traffic blurs past me before I decide if I should get off the highway and rest for a while. Of course this is only a simple visual of what’s actually happening in each of our lives. I feel as though I’m trapped (in my car), surrounded by emotion (the storm) and I don’t know what to do about it.
So I write.
I purge my inner thoughts and feelings.
I let out my fears.
I let “it” all out. And you, reader, voyeur, you read and know what it is that pains me, that delights me. I often wonder who reads what I write, but it doesn’t really matter does it. I write it, that’s all that should matter. – sorry, lost my train of thought –
Single or involved… I know a few things for certain. My emotional keg has yet to be tapped. Thoughts of moving on bring sadness, fear, happiness, etc to my mind & heart. Most importantly I am not going to do something I do not want to do. I will not be coaxed into something by anyone and I will not allow myself the chance to feel a certain way for a short time just to feel close to someone. As trite as the statement is – I’d feel dirty.
Well, with this, yet another purging of my thoughts, it seems that I have concluded… very little. Actually, I feel more confident in myself because of these tirades. Is it strange to me to know that anyone in the world can read these thoughts… sure. Does it help me to do this… verily. So if you’re so inclined… keep an eye out as there will most likely be yet another purging in the next day or so. With that I remain… untapped. = P
05-26-2004 11:56 am