I originally intended on writing a though piece that delt with harsh realities in my life along with cold feelings that bite and scorn. Were I to do so I feel that I would find my way down a path that leads me far from where I intend to go – forward.
So, instead. I’ve taken some time away from those thoughts and found a few amazingly positive changes happening in my life. Wonderful and simple changes that may alter the course of my near future as well as the distant. How has this happened? Why? Well, why is always a point of conjecture, but how can be concluded based on fact typically. And I feel as though there are many facts to assist me today.
Emma and I recently had a “war of words” without knowing exactly why. While it would have been easy to let the war continue or to just chalk it up to a facet of our friendship. Instead we began a dialog that didn’t erase what had happened, but helped each other to understand why the war had continued and why we felt the way we did. The topic… Bugs, Animals, and Human beings. The night was supposed to be about B5, but instead it turned into a long discussed brain storm of how’s and why’s. After some time we seemed to reach an understanding about each other’s feelings. What was said, or rather what was said to help the situation? I’m sorry to say that is not an easy piece of the puzzle to put into words. To put it plainly, we understand each other’s experiences, and we understand each other’s inexperience more so that we can begin to understand our points of view. A beginning to an understanding.
The topic shifted to a topic that’s been weighing heavily on my mind and heart… Relationships. I sat in a blank stare for a while before I was interrupted by Emma when she asked what I was thinking about. I told her how I felt like the time was up and that the end was not just an end, but in fact THE END to my relationship with None. As the night went on I had a hard time pulling that thought from my mind. But as time does so frequently, my thoughts and feelings were to see a shuffling. Yesterday I had a wonderful conversation with None. How’d it feel? Refreshed? Yes. Scared? Yes. It felt like something. Something… concrete compared to the way things have been over the past two months. We talked about a few things and agreed that we have a lot to talk about. Happily, we reached a conclusion, an agreement, that would provide us with a step forward. We’re going to talk again… via 0’s and 1’s. It’s a start and it’s what we need.
Avenga… I haven’t written about her in some time. I finally pulled her out of the apartment last night to visit Farah in Astoria. We had a great night at a WONDERFUL restaurant (that will hopefully be in business because the customer’s were short in number). After that we hung out and just… talked about random fun stuff. I was asked by them both to aid them with a website in their names for promotion. I feel one hand washing the other here. = O Haha. It’ll be great if they’re on the web so of course I’ll help. It’ll just take a little time which I need to organize. What’ll I ask in return… What would you ask for? I don’t think I know what to ask for. I think I’ll let them be the decision maker for that question.
Get this. Totally random fun. I’ve been chatting, not via AIM, not on a chat board but instead by web cam and mic to some very cool people via attractone.com. It’s been so much fun. I enjoy talking to people online because it’s fun to see how they write, but this, this is so much more. This is so incredibly fun! Violetsky, a CA resident (former New Yorker) and I have chatted twice and had fun laughing at the other chatters and talked about the NY area, since she was from the area. Tonight because hat night which we talked many people into taking part in. Hats all around while people strike poses and flash random objects across their web cams. It’s been so much fun. It keeps me up late, but it’s so new to me that I think I’ll keep playing with the new tech until I fades away. I hope it doesn’t though. Web cams are WAY too much fun.
Life is going well. I’m happy. Avenga & None landed lead roles in a featurette and a play respectively which is monumentally fantastic. Trent has another article up for publication in The Humanist and Emma is in great health and will probably be off for Japan in the late months of 2004. Alice, Mike, and Jill will all be married within the next 3 weeks and Kazi will be here soon. All the while Matt is working his way across Canada with his backpack. I’ve got some ambitious friends within my reach. I only hope I can keep up. Work scares me now that I’m pretty much in charge of things. I’ve said it to people at work but the feeling is hitting me pretty potently at the moment. 3:30 AM does that to you I guess. I’m scared. I really am. I really need to focus myself. This is, for me, a test. I hope I have the ability to pass.
07-12-2004 03:36 am