The past few weeks I’ve had one of the most unexpected turns I think I could ever have imagined – previous experiences (New Years Eve of 2003/2004) notwithstanding. Actually I probably wouldn’t imagine it sf I was offered up a guess. Volleyball has been as much a learning experience as the previously implied topic, work has been a constant ‘wow’ and everything else decides to tag along for the ride. Why? Nantonaku!
Recently I’ve been lonely. First I feel that I should define lonely. Webster defines lonely in this way:
lonely – 4. Having a feeling of depression or sadness resulting from the consciousness of being alone; lonesome
The twist to this is that I’ve been more involved lately than I have been in the past few years. In fact, the last time I was this busy may have been back at Teikyo. We’re talking YEARS here clam shells. Why have I been feeling lonely if I’m so involved? That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. Fortunately I did the other day. How?
The damn broke. The damn broke after a long (read LONG!) Saturday on a bus to and from Bard College. The damn broke with Emma (and Avenga) here to help me through it. I don’t think either of them understood what was going on but I finally did during the slow cracks until the eventual eruption. A visual can be obtained in X2 Ã± this should be watched anyway so get to it you marbles!
So I found during this shattering that I’ve felt lonely. After a brief chat with Avenga (the next night) I realized that it’s a particular loneliness… companionship. I long for it, yet I know that I couldn’t give someone new the emotional investment… NOT! (Sarcasm there kids) Honestly, I don’t have the time to give. I’m strapped. It’s easy to say Ã¬make timeÃ® but that’s not going to happen. I’m being selfish with my life and have thus condemned myself to a feeling that cuts deep sometimes.
Some particulars of the convo with Avenga made me realize that being there with Emma during this life changing event brought me closer to this lonely feeling. I am fortunate to have been offered the chance to be there for her during such a tumultuous series of events. There is always the thought Ã¬What more could I have done?Ã® But I think that’s just my own self doubts speaking in me wee grey juices.
Stupid self doubts… You go squish!So where the hell was I… Ah, eff it I’m not going back to read what I already wrote.
Comparing the word lonely to missing is fun! RIF! Webster’s defines missing in the following way:
missing – 3. To discover the absence or omission of; to feel the want of; to mourn the loss of; to want
I realized that I’m not missing a someone instead I’m missing a something. This is pertinent because I’ve had thoughts recently of None and The Door. The Door. Wow, it’s been a long time since that name has been written. While I miss the people hidden behind these monikers I am able to see where I fit into their lives. Each has their own lives in the works and I’m sincerely happy for them both. In a sad reflection I believe I missed (boy that word keeps popping up) the boat with The Door, but one particular thing didn’t match. A very important thing at that. While with None it’s a completely different situation and something inside me tells me she’s happier without me than with me. I don’t know what makes me think this though. It’s onna those, whachacallit… intuition things.
Self doubt… it’s a bitch! Grumble Grumble to you self doubt and stuff. Heheheh, fire! fire!
Emma is in my thoughts this evening as she has been for the past many weeks. fortunately today was the conclusion of the build up to her ‘event’ that will have her looking at the word as only a few are able. She’s blown me away with her courage and calm demeanor during what could only be described as, actually it can be described in many ways… Hmm. I’ll stick with life altering event. While I was in the hospital she received a bunch of pages and phone calls just to check in with her which is so much more than fantastic. Her friends and family really stepped up to the plate for this. If any of you should happen to read this know that I thank you.
Class has been great. Hamlet’s monologues make so much sense to me now! A new light has been cast on my grey squishy stuff by paraphrasing Shake’s lines. AMAZING! Also, inserting pauses that’s aren’t in the sentence but instead because of sentence structure… wow! New doors of realization! Satoris over and over and over! I’m loving this class. I have to memorize one of the monologues for Monday! Heheheh. I’m actually psyched! Learning rulez!
Hmmph. I really enjoy writing out these silly and not so silly and ever so ridiculous thoughts. Sitting here I have a smile on my face thinking of all the people I’ve written about and various others I haven’t had the chance to hang out with much because of time and those I’d like to learn more about. There are just so many amazing people in this world. I can only hope that I’m able to help or even simply be there for those that wish me in their lives. If I were to fail or falter as a friend I don’t know how I could live it down.
10-06-2004 01:57 am