I’m sitting in a “Jury Room” without a cell phone. Do I feel disconnected? Hmm… Yea. Surrounding are people of all walks of life: old, young, employed, unemployed, etc. Newspapers ruffle from a variety of directions. A cough here and there, a sniffle turn into a small chorus echoing the original sound. Its interesting how the mind works.
I haven’t actually written something of substance in, for me, a long while now. Heck, I’ve had less energy than a dead laptop battery trying to keep the little indicator light glowing. I’m a techy, keep up.
Drifting Tom was the title I chose for my last post. Why? Well, David Bowie’s ‘Space Odyssey’ came to mind as I thought about my emotions and abilities. I don’t feel directionless. I know where I want to go and I know, somewhere in my grey juices, how to do what I want; the trouble is the listening side of my body has either turned itself off or gone numb.
The Court clerk is speaking and just said that by serving today everyone here will have served their duty for four (4) court years aka “until September of 2010!” She didn’t use the exclamation during her welcome speech
With the video introduction over. We’ were just told 1 case was cancelled. That means only two (2) are on the bill. The first batch of names does or does not include me? Survey says… (I’m thinking I’ll be called today) Well… It appears that the first list let people leave. Damn, damn. I’m on target with my gut instinct. How about that. Alas.
Stepping back to the previous topic…
General auditions for the SLC theatre program took place at the end of the first week of the semester (Jan 18th & 19th), since that weekend I’ve noticed a confusion frustration rooted somewhere inside.
Nearly every line I’ve spoken in class has been tainted by this gnawing sensation. I didn’t know if I would be cast in a show, any show, after the auditions despite 15+ directors listening. That same weekend during volleyball I found myself struggling to move, no not metaphorically, physically. The floor was covered with so much dirt that everyone was slipping and/or unable to move quickly. Normally this would be a nuisance but that day it was as if I’d just lost my job.
I sat down and watched a game. Seeing everyone else slip and slide my nerves calmed ever so slightly. After a few more games the “fun” was over and we all went our separate ways. I told emma what was going on in my head. Ha. I told her how I was feeling. I think it took about 2 weeks to know what was going on.
The next day (Monday) I was cast in a show. Instead of the gleeful jump up and down, hug everyone feeling I smiled and thanked Laurie (the writer) as politely as I could for the news. A sense of relief overpowered flowed over me. I could feel the stress dissipating.
What show? Lessen. Sounds familiar? It should, I played the same part in the reading last semester.
This likely sounds like typical actor insecurity. It is far from it. emma and I have had a number of discussions trying to understand if I had done anything to piss anyone off or something else altogether that would keep me from being cast. Am I too old looking? Am I too old? Does anyone know who I am? Does it matter? Have I been blacklisted? The conversations were long and curious.
Well aren’t I egotistical… “Why haven’t I been cast?” An understandable perspective but very much without merit. Last semester I found my abilities lunging out of me. I kept learning and learning and experimenting. It was amazing. During my audition last semester I walked out with such a smile on my face.
Days later when I learned that I was not cast in anything I was disappointed but knew I did DID my best. Sometimes things don’t go your way. Ha, most often it doesn’t go your way actually.
Late in the semester I got a phone call about a reading called ‘Lessen’ asking if I would be interested. That part of the story is history. The reading took place and I felt good again. This time though there were witnesses. emma gives me great critical feedback. She couldn’t. She, and others, saw how far along I’ve come with the craft.
The glee was in capital letter style. What would be next? Well, the semester break happened. It was busy, it was tiring, it was not what I had been hoping for. In many ways it was better but in the way I wanted needed it to be failed entirely. Peace and quiet coated with calmness, sprinkled with fun, and topped with quality time with emma.
How many times do we learn not to plan things? Expectations = Try again, it’s not going to happen.
Hmm, I hadn’t realized how far back this actually stretched.
Sadly I wasn’t alone in this pity self doubt party. emma has been going through her own trials and tribulations.
Well, the other night, we met at the gym, standing at the check in desk we agreed to leave. Vroom, off to Whole Foods. Conversation turned to debate and eventually silence. Without knowing it we both thought about food as we approached the end of the exit ramp. emma broke the silence… The healing began.
The food isn’t good. They don’t have cage free chicken. The menu IS an advertisement. And the atmosphere is enh. Welcome to The Cheesecake Factory of White Plains, NY. Considering all this it was exactly what we needed.
Neither of us truly enjoy eating there but it is not 11o1, it is not 21, it is not 16. Thank goodness. We broke into conversation and talked. We really talked and told each other things that, I think, we’ve thought subconsciously but had yet to vocalize. It was incredible. Sharing personal misery = I’m not alone and a need to connect. Oh boy did we find out we were not alone.
Since that conversation I’ve been to two rehearsals and a couple classes. Hehe. Things are getting better. I have to be off book tomorrow. W3rd! I’m starting to feel excitement because I’m getting into the role of Harper. Gary is stepping off the stage and slipping out of his skin. With an opening of March 1st I’m confident things will improve hand over fist.
Lessen learned? Smiles! Of course it has to be the name of the show. Anyhow, the lessen learned, again?, involves the separation from one’s day to day life. Step out of the routine. Go somewhere different for dinner, heh, go to Jury Duty. Get out of the safety zone.
Remember, remember, remember. That’s for me. Remember. That’s just out there for the heck of it.
It’s 10:30 on this brilliant Jury day. Ahh. There it is again, that sense of relaxation. Oh… And what’s that, an actual unrehearsed smile. For an image put the song “Rain drops keep falling on my head…” into your mind, then imagine Spier-Man 2 when Peter lost his abilities. La la laaaa.
This post is long enough. Maybe I’ll write another. Orrrrr, maybe I’ll work on my lines. )chuckle( I think that is a better idea.
End of line.
The first group of people were called and I wasn’t a part of the list. How about that. Well, everyone one else was called and brought down to 3C. Where was my name in the list of EVERYONE else left in the room? Hint… It’s usually the same time my dinner is brought out while at a restaurant. Got it? Aww. It’s not first. Niet. My name was absolutely last.
The case would have gone 2+ weeks. More than 95% of the possible jurors were let go after giving justifyable reasons to the judge. I had a couple: school, planned vacation time, and theatrical performances/rehearsals (for school). I smiled.
Since I was nextdoor I stopped by the Republican American to say alo to Lin and caught her completely off guard and unaware. Mwaahahaha. And so ends the Jury fun until 10/2007. Suh’weet’ah.